Books by Adam, Excerpts, The 13 Ways, The 13 Ways You're F*cking Up Your Job Search

EXCERPT #2: THE 13 WAYS YOU’RE F*CKING UP YOUR JOB SEARCH

Never let it be said that existential nihilism doesn’t have a place in your job search. Read on for another preview of THE 10 13 WAYS YOU’RE F*CKING UP YOUR JOB SEARCH, and watch what happens when you push one tired CPRW to the edge and beyond.


EXCERPT: THE 10 13 WAYS YOU’RE F*CKING UP YOUR JOB SEARCH

Forget buzzwords and made up corporate nuspeak, and focus on meaning. Think about every sentence you write and what it actually means; when you integrate your keywords into the text make sure that on finishing the sentence, the reader will be able to derive conclusive information from it. That information should be your capacity in a particular skill, not that you can smoochilize the collateral.

Avoid generic fluff words, too. Don’t call yourself results-oriented or passionate or driven or a self-starter. Don’t say you have a strong work ethic. These are more meaningless phrases that everyone uses, and they make Wayne Brady want to choke a mugg.

These are things that just don’t need to be said. It’s like declaring “I have skin!” as if you’ve just discovered your own scaly epidermis and honestly think you’re the first to develop this unique condition involving malleable hairy gift wrap to keep your blood and glistening sweetmeats all inside one quivering, befanged pouch.

Of course you’re results-oriented; everyone with a job is. You’re paid to perform a task to achieve a desired result. If you don’t achieve the result, not only are you not very good at your job, but

you have to continue doing the task into perpetuity, unable to leave, we are all in the dark place, all with the dark ones.

Don’t look at me like that.

Y’all did this to me. Y’all made me this way.

Passionate? Okay, sure—but how does that factor into your skill level when it comes to repairing a goddamned HVAC system? Are your loins all aflutter for the curvature of that exhaust duct?

The fuck does driven even mean? Are you trying to say you’re ambitious and motivated to do well at your job, or that you’re straining your teeth against the leather bit, pulling at the yoke of Satan’s dogsled while the cloven hoof in your back pushes you onward in your trek toward damnation?

Who needs to be told you have a strong work ethic? What’s the opposite, lazy? You wouldn’t write that you’re lazy in your resume, so why do you need to clarify that you’re not lazy? Of course you have a strong work ethic. You don’t want to fucking get fired. As Mal says, “I do the job, and then I get paid.”

This is how capitalism works, Captain Obvious.

And if you’re a self-starter, does that mean you honestly think other people are standing around doing absolutely nothing until someone parks it in front of them and voice-activates with a precise, directly enunciated command?

Bruh, your coworkers aren’t Alexa.

GTFO with that mess.

Stay away from this crap, and other things like it. It’s all filler without substance, when you could use the space to say something with more unique value to you.

When in doubt, be simple and direct. Work upward from that, but always, always choose clarity over corporate-speak.

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Books by Adam, Excerpts, The 13 Ways, The 13 Ways You're F*cking Up Your Job Search

EXCERPT #1: THE 13 WAYS YOU’RE F*CKING UP YOUR JOB SEARCH

Want a preview of what you’re in for with THE 10 13 WAYS YOU’RE F*CKING UP YOUR JOB SEARCH? Read on for an excerpt from one of my favorite anecdotes in the book. If you never thought anyone in their life would relate stories about alpaca shit to their–and your–career?

You were wrong.


EXCERPT: THE 10 13 WAYS YOU’RE F*CKING UP YOUR JOB SEARCH

In this case the value isn’t in unrelated experience, but in an unrelated industry that still imparted skills they can adapt into a completely new role.

Now, for contrast:

A business analyst I worked with at my very first job was trying to launch a side business as an alpaca farmer, and he would not fucking shut up about the alpacas.

Day in, day out. Alpacas, alpaca wool, alpaca feed, uses for alpaca shit. His skills as a business analyst were helping him with his grand dream of alpaca farming, but his alpaca farming was significantly impacting my productivity when for some reason he’d latched on to me as someone who would be receptive to bouncing ideas around with him and possibly contributing to the project.

I was in my early twenties and not very good at knowing the proper corporate way to say “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a shit.”

So I smiled thinly, endured, and prayed he would find someone else to bother soon.

He never really got his alpaca farm off the ground. I think he long-distance adopted some alpacas, or something like that. But after I’d been there for about six months, he went in for an internal promotion to Senior Business Analyst and Project Manager. My cubicle wasn’t far from the office where one of the Directors was interviewing him regarding the possibility. I got to overhear him talking about how knowing how to turn alpaca shit into a sustainable source of recyclable paper was a good reason to promote him.

Look. There’s an entire charity that helps reduce carbon footprint from deforestation by making lovely little notebooks from recycled elephant shit. I will never own one, but I think it’s an admirable pursuit.

I’m still not going to promote some doucheknuckle into a senior role over complex IT project management and business analysis because he knows a thing or two about sustainable shit farming.

If he’d actually worked in anything to do with process, strategy, sourcing, and sustainability it might have been a valid case for unique value-added skills. But he didn’t, so his anecdotes had no value and were, quite literally, full of shit.

No one wants to waste minutes of their life they can never get back reading about experience that has zero transferable value toward the job you’re applying for, no matter how off-the-wall or supposedly character-building it is. It’s just lost time, lost energy, lost focus, and it undercuts the case for your qualifications. If you do include experience outside your primary domain, you must write it in a way that conveys its value to your target job. Highlight only the skills that give you an advantage, and trim or delete the rest.

I am here for neither you nor your alpaca shit, and I don’t have time to waste on incidentals.

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