Never let it be said that existential nihilism doesn’t have a place in your job search. Read on for another preview of THE 10 13 WAYS YOU’RE F*CKING UP YOUR JOB SEARCH, and watch what happens when you push one tired CPRW to the edge and beyond.
EXCERPT: THE 10 13 WAYS YOU’RE F*CKING UP YOUR JOB SEARCH
Forget buzzwords and made up corporate nuspeak, and focus on meaning. Think about every sentence you write and what it actually means; when you integrate your keywords into the text make sure that on finishing the sentence, the reader will be able to derive conclusive information from it. That information should be your capacity in a particular skill, not that you can smoochilize the collateral.
Avoid generic fluff words, too. Don’t call yourself results-oriented or passionate or driven or a self-starter. Don’t say you have a strong work ethic. These are more meaningless phrases that everyone uses, and they make Wayne Brady want to choke a mugg.
These are things that just don’t need to be said. It’s like declaring “I have skin!” as if you’ve just discovered your own scaly epidermis and honestly think you’re the first to develop this unique condition involving malleable hairy gift wrap to keep your blood and glistening sweetmeats all inside one quivering, befanged pouch.
Of course you’re results-oriented; everyone with a job is. You’re paid to perform a task to achieve a desired result. If you don’t achieve the result, not only are you not very good at your job, but
you have to continue doing the task into perpetuity, unable to leave, we are all in the dark place, all with the dark ones.
Don’t look at me like that.
Y’all did this to me. Y’all made me this way.
Passionate? Okay, sure—but how does that factor into your skill level when it comes to repairing a goddamned HVAC system? Are your loins all aflutter for the curvature of that exhaust duct?
The fuck does driven even mean? Are you trying to say you’re ambitious and motivated to do well at your job, or that you’re straining your teeth against the leather bit, pulling at the yoke of Satan’s dogsled while the cloven hoof in your back pushes you onward in your trek toward damnation?
Who needs to be told you have a strong work ethic? What’s the opposite, lazy? You wouldn’t write that you’re lazy in your resume, so why do you need to clarify that you’re not lazy? Of course you have a strong work ethic. You don’t want to fucking get fired. As Mal says, “I do the job, and then I get paid.”
This is how capitalism works, Captain Obvious.
And if you’re a self-starter, does that mean you honestly think other people are standing around doing absolutely nothing until someone parks it in front of them and voice-activates with a precise, directly enunciated command?
Bruh, your coworkers aren’t Alexa.
GTFO with that mess.
Stay away from this crap, and other things like it. It’s all filler without substance, when you could use the space to say something with more unique value to you.
When in doubt, be simple and direct. Work upward from that, but always, always choose clarity over corporate-speak.
